Embrace the Real You: Ditch the 'New Year, New You' Myth

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:00

Hey, nosy friends.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:01

Welcome, and welcome back to Nosy if conversations about art, activism, and social change.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:10

elcome you to the last day of: 2024

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:20

The crowd.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:22

Katt Williams told us.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:00:25

He.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:25

He told us, y'all.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:27

I still remember sending the Katt Williams on Club Shay interview to my friend Felicia.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:33

Katt Williams told us that: 2024

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:40

And he wasn't wrong.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:43

It's been crazy.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:47

hinking about what I want for: 2025

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:54

And I wonder if you've done the same.

Stephanie Graham: 00:00:58

Well, have you?

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:01

Have you?

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:02

If not, no judgment.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:05

Because, you know, if you're bored and looking for something meaningful to do today, I guess today.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:12

Because: 2025

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:13

I mean, even more tomorrow.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:15

Even for tomorrow, I highly recommend, you know, some, like, reflection.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:20

Just chill on your couch, you know, put, like, some lo fi beats on and just reflect.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:30

This year has flown by and I gotta tell y'all something.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:34

I missed so many goals.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:35

I made way too many goals.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:38

And I was, like, going through.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:39

I have a little goal tracker.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:41

I'm just, like, missed, missed, missed.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:42

Dang.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:45

But I am super proud of what I did accomplish this year, and this show is at the top of this list.

Stephanie Graham: 00:01:54

And I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to thank you for being a part of it.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:01

Speaking of the new year, I'm doing something special today.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:06

I have a feed drop featuring an episode of Unlimited by my friend Valerie Friedlander.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:13

And Valerie is diving deep into something that's marketed to us 80s babies and 90s kids ever.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:23

So if you are past that, like, if you are a current baby, you might not know about all this, but it is the infamous New Year new you.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:33

So you've heard it everywhere.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:35

That idea that you need to reinvent yourself every January.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:39

And let me tell you something.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:40

Do not talk about this around Valerie.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:42

She will snatch your edges because she is definitely not about that life.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:47

Instead, instead, like, Valerie, she's, like all.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:51

She, like, leans into, like, the New Year as you, like, move into the New Year as you.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:57

Who you are, you're perfect.

Stephanie Graham: 00:02:59

And in this episode, she breaks down on, like, why that whole New Year, new you messaging is super toxic and how we need to shift toward an idea of self trust, reclaiming our inner child, and then building a year that supports us as we already are.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:21

Which is cool because that means that we ain't got to do nothing but just chill.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:27

I love chilling.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:28

You heard me just tell you to reflect by playing some lo fi beats and laying on the couch or on the floor or sitting at a chair, wherever you want to be.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:39

So, I don't know.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:41

I think this is a good episode because it's like, look, this year flew by.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:47

We don't have time to be doing all that, you know, all these goals and stuff, like, trying to decide, like, how we're going to reinvent ourselves.

Stephanie Graham: 00:03:55

No, we are all set, per Valerie and per the Lord.

Stephanie Graham: 00:04:01

Amen.

Stephanie Graham: 00:04:03

So I hope you enjoy this episode.

Stephanie Graham: 00:04:05

Episode of Unlimited.

Stephanie Graham: 00:04:07

And you know what?

Stephanie Graham: 00:04:08

Let's hear what Valerie has to say.

Stephanie Graham: 00:04:11

And cheers to stepping into: 2025

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:16

Hey there.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:17

I'm Valerie Friedlander, certified life business alignment coach, and this is Unlimited.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:22

This podcast bridges the individual and the societal, scientific and spiritual, positive and negative.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:29

Nerdy.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:30

And no, there's just a lot of nerdy.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:32

Come on board, and let's unlock a light that's as badass as you are.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:45

We're gonna dive in right off the bat with the problem around this whole new year, new you thing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:04:55

And what it is is that at the root of it is this idea that you need to be other than you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:04

So we're starting a new year, and it's time to be not you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:09

You need a new you, because the you that you had last year isn't good enough.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:16

It didn't cut it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:17

It didn't have what you wanted.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:19

It has smaller than you want to be or whatever.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:23

All of the stuff.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:24

Stuff.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:25

The societal stuff that's like, okay, let's shed that and do this new thing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:29

Okay, so I've already talked last year about the whole issue with kind of kicking things off at the beginning of the year anyway.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:36

There is momentum to making changes this time of year just because there's that societal momentum.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:43

But there can also be this real pressure to do things beginning of the year.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:49

And if you don't do it now, then you just won't do it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:52

And that is not true.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:55

That kind of pressure can actually make it so that you don't do it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:05:59

Because for most of us, our stress response is avoidance.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:04

It's the freeze and flee.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:06

So if that's your stress response, if you feel stressed, you are more likely to not do the thing to avoid the thing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:13

I was just working with a client the other day, actually, who was like, I really want to exercise and want to move my body.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:20

And we explored, of course, like, what is exercise?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:23

What is movement?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:24

And all of that sort of stuff.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:26

But this desire to exercise coupled with the should around exercising, she was both, oh, I know I feel better when I do this.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:39

But because it was coupled with that should where she was kind of beating herself up over, you need to do this, you should be doing this, you should be doing this.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:45

She was naturally avoiding it because there was guilt and all this weight around it and stress responses to avoid the guilt and the weight and the yucky feelings.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:06:57

So when we couple what we want with the pressure that you have to do it or you should do it, it's very common to avoid doing it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:09

And you're like, why am I avoiding this?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:10

Well, because you're beating yourself up, overdoing it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:14

So, therefore, anyway, so back to the idea that, well, there's something wrong with you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:21

And there is a large story in our society around there being something wrong with you, especially for people in marginalized communities.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:32

So this idea that, all right, something's wrong with you, someone else knows better and can fix you, and that's what the marketing is.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:43

That's what all the messaging is, the advertisements, all of the things pushing you to buy and spend money and get stuff.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:51

It's this sense that something's wrong with you, you don't have enough.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:07:55

You need to be fixed, and you need to spend money to be fixed, and I'm the one who can fix you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:01

We are conditioned to believe this, to believe that there is something wrong with us.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:09

I was just spending a little time with bell hooks who.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:14

Well, not personally, though that would have been amazing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:16

But she passed away recently, and I found a quote from her that said, the wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood on that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings in order to attract and please others.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:39

Ugh.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:40

So that hit me really hard because that is something that very much resonates.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:46

This need to feel safe, to feel secure, to.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:50

To have people validate me because I didn't feel like I belonged.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:08:55

I was told that I was too girly, I was too fat, I was too smart, you know, And.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:09:03

And how many of you have experienced that too muchness and being told that you need to make yourself less to make others more comfortable?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:09:15

I'm betting that most of you, whatever your identities, but especially for those of you with identities that are other than white male heteronormative cisgender people, have experienced a lot of that at varying levels and from a variety of spaces.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:09:37

Now, I will say right here that I believe that these Things also impact everyone in various ways that they're harmful to all people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:09:47

However, it's important to recognize that there are layers to that within society.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:09:52

For me personally, I have experienced this with, you know, being the.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:09:58

The little girl in the fluffy tutu, the purple fluffy tutu who prances around with big dreams, imagining being she Ra and riding on swift wind and being a hero leading people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:15

I was the ringleader on the playground, coming up with all the imaginary games.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:20

We had such fun.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:22

And then things changed.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:25

And at a time where I was particularly lonely and my parents were especially emotionally unavailable, available, I had peers around me who were telling me that I was too much in a variety of ways.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:40

Too girly, too fat were some key ones for me that I.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:45

And I didn't feel understood and I didn't feel seen.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:50

And I thought, oh, I just have to try harder.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:53

And I learned to be a chameleon to fit in.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:10:56

And I found that if I could make other people feel better, then I was safer.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:01

And so I learned to hide my power and instead try and hold up other people's.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:10

Now, I say this because there are pieces in here that are part of me and places where I learned patterns that suppressed who I was and the way I could play powerfully.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:28

I also hear from clients that the story especially prevalent in our society around being lazy, like, you can't rest until you're done.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:37

And most of us, though this wasn't said directly to me, internalize this from our schooling.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:45

You need to keep working to push yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:48

You got to get the work done, otherwise you'll get a failing grade.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:52

So you can't rest till you're done.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:53

If you need to rest, that means you're going to fail.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:11:57

Taking time, taking up space means that you're going to take away from someone else.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:02

And we develop this fear of letting other people down or hurting other people because we internalize that as our responsibility as children, because that's what children do, is everything's about them.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:15

So all of these things we take on and they feed into the ways and like the layers of.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:23

Of crust that gets built up around us, shining as brightly as we could.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:30

This impact, you know, people who are neurodivergent, who have differing abilities, mentally and physically, who it is just across the board.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:40

If you don't fit into what is idealized in our society, if you can contort yourself into fitting into that, then you do, which is harmful to you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:50

But then oftentimes then we perpetuate that harm onto other people to try and bolster our own positioning.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:12:59

That's a big one.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:13:00

And it's something that I've had to do a lot of looking at as a white, cisgender, heteronormative woman in the United States who is able bodied and fairly neuronormative and all of that, like really looking at those layers of privilege and the places where we've internalized the stories that then both restrict our own ability and perpetuate harm on others.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:13:28

And anyway, I say all of that because it's why this story is so problematic that there's something wrong with you, because it blocks our ability to learn and to grow.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:13:43

It creates this crust of rigidity that doesn't allow you to be expansive.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:13:49

And being expansive means that you lean into what your gifts are and who you are.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:13:54

And there's a.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:13:55

There's a strength in who you are.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:01

So what do you do differently than this whole new year new you and trying to be different?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:08

Because I, I mean, I advocate change, right?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:11

Change is great.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:12

If you want something different, you need to do something different.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:15

But does it mean you have to be someone different?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:19

In some ways, yes.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:21

So it's really though, in my belief that it's not about at the core of you being something different.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:28

It's about removing the obstacles to being you, your true you, your expansive you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:38

So when I say, what if you were reclaiming yourself this year?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:43

What if this year you could be the most you possible, what do you think about that?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:14:52

How does that feel differently for you if you think about being the most you possible versus a new you, like somebody else?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:03

Now there may be some of you who are like, okay, that actually doesn't sound so great.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:09

Because I don't want to be me.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:12

Because I want to be the, like this other person who is offering something, who looks like this, who does these things, who has these other things.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:23

I want to be that person.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:24

Because the person that I am right now is.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:26

Is a mess, is a hot mess.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:28

It's uncomfortable.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:30

I.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:30

I don't like it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:31

I don't like the person I am right now.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:33

I want to be somebody else or the person who has the life that I have right now.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:38

I want to be someone who has this other life that is totally understandable.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:42

There are plenty of reasons that being you could be unappealing and difficult.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:50

And something else sounds way better.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:15:54

The thing I encourage you to remember, especially if you're doing the comparison thing right, judging your insides by other people's outsides, which is something that I have done plenty of.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:05

And yeah, it's it's not, it's not very fun knowing that you don't know their whole life.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:14

You can't possibly know their whole life.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:16

It's very easy to fall into that in social media.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:19

It's something that is a huge problem actually with social media is it becomes so easy to judge your insides by other people's outsides.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:30

What you see is what you think you want and that is tied to, to who you think you'll be and the way you think you'll experience life differently if you have that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:46

So let me just say that again because I think it's really important to remember that a lot of times we think we want what someone else has.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:16:55

Something in particular, maybe it's an amount of money, you know, all the stuff around, like become a seven figure business or a six figure business, even like make more money, have more success, love your job, all of those things, the specifics of those things, you know, have the clean house, the big house on the hill, like whatever it is, those things are tied to who you think that you'll be and, or the way that you think you'll experience life differently if you have that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:17:31

What I want you to know is that you don't have to be not you to have that experience of life that you want.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:17:42

You do not have to be not you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:17:45

You can be you and have that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:17:50

Actually trying to be other than you and have that experience of life that you want won't actually work.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:17:59

It might work temporarily, but it's not sustainable to have an experience of life that isn't tied to who you are.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:18:12

So who you are leaning into that person and removing all the crap that you've been conditioned to believe about who you are, as well as engaging the structures in society that perpetuate that conditioning and the obstacles that it then generates is the key to having the experience that you want.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:18:38

So it's.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:18:39

If you can divorce those two things, that experience and that thing tangibly, it's not that they don't necessarily go together, but how you achieve that and what that actually looks like for you may be different.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:18:53

So removing all of that crap, you know, stop trying to be someone else, because by doing that again, you participate in the perpetuation of these problematic narratives of being someone else and that this is the goal and this is the ideal way to be.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:19:11

And based on your positioning in society, then you're likely to perpetuate the harm that hurts not just you, but other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:19:19

And I'm pretty sure most of you people who have taken on that, like, I don't want to hurt other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:19:25

I want to help other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:19:26

And like me, you know, doing that whole, like, trying to help other people to feel okay within myself instead of the opposite, which has taken a lot of self work to go, oh, if I learn how to develop my relationship with me and be my best self, be my most me, then I naturally support other people being that rather than fixing them, because I really, truly believe you don't need to be fixed.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:19:59

There's nothing wrong with you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:01

There's just oftentimes a lot of crap that we've internalized.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:05

So it's time to free that little girl that got lost somewhere along the way from family, friends, society, school, all that stuff to free her from the box that you were taught to put her in, to be acceptable, to be safe so that she wouldn't get hurt from the people around her that were threatened by her, that felt her power and were threatened by it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:34

So it's normal, it's natural if you put her in a box to keep her safe, that there's nothing wrong with you that you did that either.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:43

So I think that's also important to remember that there's nothing wrong that that happened.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:50

There's nothing wrong about you that that happened.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:52

You don't actually have to know where that little girl went.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:20:56

You don't have to know where the box is or where you put it down or whatever.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:01

It's just knowing that she's there, that you are her, that she is you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:08

She's part of you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:09

And you've learned more things that you can release and some things that you'll carry with you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:15

Along these lines, it's important to remember a lot of times we think of, oh, we have these character defects and these things are things that we don't want anymore, that we want to let go of.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:25

These are things that are contributing to that person that you don't want to be.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:31

So then, you know, you want to let go of those things to be the new you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:34

And I would like to posit to you that those character defects aren't actually defects.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:42

They are assets that have run amok.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:46

They have expanded in ways that maybe they don't belong in.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:50

Maybe they're.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:51

They're misplaced.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:21:52

They're focused on something like, for example, fixing other people instead of listening, instead of holding space for someone.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:03

Maybe they're misunderstood.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:05

Maybe they're assets that scared other people and then they wanted to make smaller.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:10

Right?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:10

Those.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:11

Those places where that little girl got put in the box.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:14

So for example, things like, you know, I personally, I struggle with details.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:19

I am not someone who remembers details.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:21

So I love history, but I could not tell you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:25

I like testing on, on history.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:27

Like when I did ape history, like, no, that did not go well.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:32

I'm excellent.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:33

However, connecting dots and a big picture, hearing how things relate to each other.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:39

So I thought, oh, this is a defect that I can't remember details.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:44

But actually what it did was it kept me from getting lost in those details and allows me to be able to see connections in a different way than maybe someone who is into details is.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:22:58

Now that doesn't mean that details are not good.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:01

It's just, that's not my gift.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:03

I have a client who's unable to focus for long periods, which is pretty common for people who have adhd.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:10

But they light up with variety.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:13

So this inability to focus on one thing may be seen as a defect, but what is the, what is the corresponding asset to that?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:20

And that is she is amazing with multitasking.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:23

She can pick up this thing and that thing and move smoothly through different things and loves that variety.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:32

So being able to recognize like, okay, what are, what are these things that I'm labeling as defects and how do they actually play?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:40

Like, where are they assets?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:42

Where could they actually be beneficial?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:44

Taking a look at that and maybe taking out of this needs to be fixed and maybe this just needs to be placed differently.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:49

If you think about like in a company, someone might not be great in one position, but they'd amazing in a different position.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:56

So, you know, take a look at that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:23:58

One of the things as we're reconnecting to ourselves is a lot of times people love personality assessments.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:03

I tend to attract people to me who love personality assessments.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:06

And you know, I, I also do.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:08

Because the thing is, personality assessments help us validate ourselves.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:14

It helps us place ourselves, it helps us connect in an initial way.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:19

It's like a, a step towards self understanding.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:22

But it's really important to remember that it's just a step towards self understanding.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:27

Just one step.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:28

It allows us to take all of the learned judgment because our brains like patterns.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:34

So we tend to judge things and put them into the boxes that we're familiar with.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:37

To be able to, to use that judgment to go, oh, this is this, this is this.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:43

Oh, that makes sense.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:44

That's why this, the next step is being able to step out of that judgment using that validation of, oh, there's nothing wrong with me.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:52

This is, this is part of my way of being.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:54

This is part of who I am.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:24:56

And then into a space of curiosity and an ability to have a relationship with yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:02

Because the thing to remember is a relationship is constantly evolving.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:06

It's not fixed, it's not static, it's dynamic.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:11

So maybe you love personality assessments.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:14

Take that as information as a piece of you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:17

Now, I think it's interesting if you, like, do a lot of personality assessments, you can kind of see some threads throughout.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:22

So just to give you a little.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:23

A little more of a sense of.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:25

Of me from that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:28

I'm an enfp.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:29

Or at least last time I took this assessment because, you know, some people find certain assessments don't work well for them.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:35

But as an enfp, I'm people centered.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:38

I'm a creator with a focus on possibilities.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:42

Warm, passionate, contagiously enthusiastic.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:45

I love to help people explore their potential.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:47

And they're often artistic.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:50

Oh yeah, all right, that sounds familiar.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:52

I'm an enneagram4.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:54

Now, I.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:55

There's a wing here that I don't remember what it is, but it definitely offsets.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:25:59

These Enneagram Fours tend to be like, kind of reserved.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:02

Definitely not that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:04

But they also want to be unique and experience deep, authentic emotions.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:09

They're inspired and highly creative, with a tendency to be dramatic.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:13

Oh, I don't know anybody like that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:16

Moody and self conscious.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:17

Oh, yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:18

I'm a questioner in the four tendencies.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:21

I value reason and purpose and want to understand why something should be done.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:25

I picked up the Evo Planner because it has a personality assessment component with it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:30

Now, I can't.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:31

Can't advocate for it because I haven't actually used it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:33

I'm.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:34

I am one of those Planner hoarders working on that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:39

I'm an alchemist in the Evo Planner, so desiring variety and constantly learning, as well as seeking new ways to creatively use and share my knowledge and inspiration.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:50

Anybody else seeing a pattern here?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:26:53

I recently also dug into Chani Nicholas's you were born for this book Astrology for radical self acceptance and found.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:02

I am an Aries in the eighth house with moon in Libra and rising sign in Virgo, which means that my purpose lies in tapping people into their skills resources to help free us all from the shackles of rules based in lies and create a more expansive, harmonious way of being being.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:22

Because I need beauty and justice and balance.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:25

And I thrive making connections and helping others feel witnessed.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:29

I am driven by taking in knowledge and sharing it in a way that is useful and practical.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:35

And I need partnerships to feel centered in my ability to communicate well.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:41

So, yeah, I mean, all of that sounds very like, that's very affirming.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:45

Like all.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:45

There's a pattern in there.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:47

I can definitely see how it all relates together and all of that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:50

And it can be really helpful.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:52

I do appreciate the way Chani talks about how this is just a step towards self understanding.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:27:59

So like I was saying before, it's a way to kind of understand ourselves.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:04

So she talks about how the planets are actors and the signs that they're in are like their costumes and the houses that they're in are like the sets.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:11

Which as a theater person, that really resonates with me for.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:16

But recognizing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:18

She doesn't say this directly, but like, you're the author, you're the writer, you're the playwright, you're the director, you're the one who is in control of this.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:27

So it's not like these are dynamics that are just kind of happening to you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:31

That's just, oh, this is just the way I am.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:34

You don't want these things to put you in another box.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:38

It's one of the reasons why I love the assessment that I was trained in, which is the Energy Leadership Index assessment.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:43

And I have a whole episode on that assessment, which helps you see the lens that you tend to see through.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:28:50

It's definitively subjective kind of assessment to help you see patterns and understand a system in which to engage those patterns and shift those patterns if they aren't serving you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:03

So taking steps into being yourself and reconnecting with yourself is really important.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:11

And then the next step from there is building self trust.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:15

I have a couple episodes where I explore self trust and I'll have those in the show notes.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:21

One is with the amazing Shelly Robinson and one is a solo episode I did a little bit ago.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:26

But there is a theme throughout that, and I'll just share here that, you know, oftentimes people come to me to develop their clarity and confidence.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:37

And what we create is not the clarity, but a sense system for gaining clarity.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:45

So, I mean, yes, there clarity exists there too, but it's both gaining the clarity, but in a conscious way where it's a system for gaining clarity.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:29:56

So it's not just this moment of clarity, but what do we do to achieve that clarity.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:03

And it can totally involve other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:04

It's not like you have to do that by yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:06

And actually, I think dealing with and engaging other people in that process is really important.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:12

Having people around you to support that clarity is really important.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:16

And that's not about, like not trusting yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:19

It's about having people who can help you Hear yourself right?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:23

Instead of imposing themselves upon you to help you, hear you and reflect back to you what they're hearing and help you explore what your answers are.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:35

And that's, that's the core of what coaching is.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:39

At least coaching the way I do it, that's at the root of it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:42

But it's possible to find people who are able to do that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:46

That is their, within their gifts.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:48

I mean learning how to communicate and how to hear myself was something that I began doing with another friend who was also doing self development work.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:57

And we were both working a 12 step program together.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:30:59

And that was very core to my learning how to communicate, how to set boundaries, how to have a supportive relationship.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:31:08

So it's absolutely possible to do that with other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:31:11

And I think it's important to do that in a way that doesn't take away from you trusting you without you relying on someone else to tell you what to do and be the guide for what's right, being able to hear your own intuition.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:31:29

So that's the start of it.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:31:31

Understanding, connecting dots, identifying patterns, creating steps that fit you so that you can make and keep commitments to yourself, which is the key to building self trust, making and keeping commitments to yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:31:50

And this is another reason why the whole new year new you and so many of the strategies that underlie that story that people are selling to you is often problematic is because you think you're making a commitment to yourself, but then because of variety of dynamics, either that the strategy doesn't fit you, the timing doesn't fit you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:32:10

Whatever it is, it pulls you away from who you want to be, you don't follow through and you perpetuate the belief that you can't trust yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:32:20

So even small things where you can build that self trust will support you, following through, support you, being in tune to you, hearing your own intuition, trust that you'll do the things, that you'll care for yourself, that you'll be there for you and can thus attract others who will care for you and support you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:32:44

Navigating those relationships, honoring yourself and the other person or other people or companies relationships, to be able to listen to yourself and listen to other people, to be expansive, all of those things is what that fundamental creating trust in yourself versus putting trust into other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:08

Like I talked to so many people are like, I have a bad picker when it comes to other people.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:12

It's like, well if you haven't developed that relationship with yourself, then yeah, you're gonna pick other people because of these beliefs that you don't even necessarily realize because, you know, so much of what we think is subconscious.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:25

We're going to pick these people that are trying to fill this need that we haven't learned or understood within ourselves.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:32

And we're going to let ourselves down because we don't have that healthy relationship based in a wholeness within ourselves.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:41

So, you know, it's like that idea of boundaries.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:43

Boundaries let love in versus walls that keep love out.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:48

But we need boundaries in order to let love in.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:52

I know it seems so weird, but we're gonna dig more into that in another podcast episode because like I said, a lot of this stuff is.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:33:59

What we're gonna dig into this season is building those relationships both with yourself and then with the actions that you take and the life that you're creating and the people around you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:12

So this season we're gonna walk through these relationships.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:15

The focus is gonna be on the one that you're yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:18

Each month I'm going to provide two podcast episodes that further this conversation with yourself.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:25

We're going to start with visioning in February because again, I'm very much an advocate of like, we don't need to start at the beginning of the year when it's winter and so many blazes and it's really hard to get things going where we're kind of recovering from the holidays.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:39

Especially if you're someone who's in a product based business.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:42

You probably just went through a major push and need some time to rest.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:46

You don't need to buy into all that hustle.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:48

This is a great time to take a moment to assess and do that reconnection so that you can do the next things in an aligned way.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:34:56

So I invite you into that exploration.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:35:00

I am going to be providing a variety of ways of supporting you should you want.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:35:07

The very minimum with this podcast, walking through the pieces of my course, Visioning values perception, stories and assumptions and rules, inner critic, emotional awareness, releasing stress boundaries, aligned planning, healthy habit development, and maintaining your mindset as you move forward.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:35:29

So all of that's going to be this season.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:35:32

Also, I will not only be doing podcast episodes on these topics, but workshops each month digging into them so that you can join me with other people and really dig into these topics and explore them for yourself as well as coaching, either individual coaching or group coaching.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:35:55

Again, I think it's wonderful to have group coaching.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:35:57

I find that the relationships that I've built walking through personal development with other people have been pivotal in my life.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:05

Not just with a person facilitating it, but the people that I'm doing the work with have been so important and still are so important in my life.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:13

So providing that opportunity to engage and to have the coaching support from me, but also to build those relationships.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:21

I am building out a sliding scale for all the things that I offer because I want this to be accessible to you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:30

I know that it takes a time commitment and you're already contributing that to participate.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:35

So making it accessible financially as well is really important to me.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:39

So that's what's coming.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:41

I hope that I will have landing pages that will be linked in the show notes, so be sure to check that out.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:46

But if you don't see that there, send me a message.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:50

Let me know what you're interested in.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:36:53

There's no commitment there, just lets me know to be sure to let you know when things are ready and available and to engage me in the conversation of what this looks like.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:05

Because bottom line is I want it to be supportive for you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:09

I do have one thing to ask from you before I wrap this up and that is that if you find value in this podcast, if you found value, if you have loved this episode, if you're excited about things coming forward, please share it with others.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:24

I know it says in the wrap up, but how many people listen to the final wrap up if they've been listening for a while?

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:30

I really, really have that as a request for you to please, you know, send someone a message and be like, hey, I love this podcast.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:38

This episode was amazing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:39

I would love for you to check it out.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:41

Send that message to even just one person and reach out to me if you have questions, if you're interested in things you want to be kept up to date, just shoot me an email, send me a DM in social media, whether it's on Facebook or Instagram.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:54

I really do love to hear from you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:37:56

I do respond to everyone who sends me a message and I am so excited to kick off this next season in this next year.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:07

Yes, I'm doing.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:08

I'm starting something new in the beginning of the year after this whole episode of why you don't need to do that.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:13

Any who.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:16

I appreciate you being here.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:18

I'm excited as we move forward and I look forward to hearing from you.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:22

Talk to you next time.

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:23

This has been another episode of Nosy af.

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:26

I'm your host Stephanie Graham.

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:29

What did you think about today's conversation?

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:31

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:33

Head over to the Nosy AF website for all the show notes related to this episode.

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:37

You can also find me on Instagram tefaniegram what would you know?

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:42

Or online@missgraham.com where you can sign up for my newsletter where I share exclusive updates about my studio practice as well as this podcast.

Stephanie Graham: 00:38:51

Until next time time, y'all stay curious and take care.

Valerie Friedlander: 00:38:54

Bye.